Numbness. The feeling you get when you hear of bad news, the feeling I suffer everyday. Numb. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. The days stretch out making me numb, numb to pain, sadness, and emotions. Perhaps this is a good thing. To be numb to all extremities of emotions and feelings. I do not believe I have ever experienced true happiness, only the happiness generated in my mind. Every night I sleep to help the numbness, during these few hours of rest I am able to free myself from numbness and embrace nothingness. This existentialistic approach may be extreme to some but for me it works. And that’s all I need it to do. I just need it to work. To give me an escape, the most minute escape will work. The little escape which I can get away from the numbness which surrounds my world, my mind, and my heart.
What is the purpose of this post? I truly do not know. But in the time of suicidal thoughts and depression I feel this is I guess a way to free my voice? To get some weight off my chest? Maybe subconsciously I am secretly craving for some attention? To be the one to cry wolf and seek the kind hearts of my peers. Maybe deep down I am a twisted psychopath who loves to crave for the attention of others forcing myself to believe and behave as if I am depressed and suicidal?
Maybe I am. Maybe I’m not. Perhaps only time will tell if I am truly suicidal or I am a psychopath. Only time and the blade which draws my life will tell.